I think I should be happy…

…but I ain’t all too positive that I am. Maybe I ain’t happy, ain’t content, but I’m gettin’ the feelin’ that… I dunno.

When I found Kaste, one-armed and still bleedin’, and saw the Silverlord heal him up (I got his heart goin’ with those jumper cables, but that didn’t take care’ve the major wounds), it was like…

How can I possibly write this? It sounds selfish and stupid. It was like seein’ something goin’ wrong. ‘Course I was glad for him to be alive and okay, but there was just that feelin’ that everythin’ was tumblin’ so far out’ve my control. Like my life wasn’t mine anymore.

I kissed Kaste on the cheek, and he asked me if I would’ve done more’n that, if the Silverlord hadn’t shown up, if he wasn’t gettin’ married, if-

Just like seein’ your life start goin’ wrong, and then it keeps on goin’, gettin’ more and more messed up.

Was the same the night I took Verrin to the battlefront. Lustin’ after him, after what we’ve done to each other, what I’ve done to him? Gods. Another time I just couldn’t help the feelin’ that I’d done something that I shouldn’t have. I don’t even believe in fate so much, but it was like the feelin’ that if I have a destiny, I was workin’ away from it rather than towards it.

Ysabelle stitched her soul with Kaste’s, or whatever it was, and didn’t even ask him ’bout it first. How can you do that to someone? How can you betray someone you say you love so damned deeply? A rogue’s life is built on privacy and bein’ maybe a bit solitary. Didn’t even ask. Gods. She must have… had good intentions, but…

I was so angry, but now… I’m just confused.

Kaste still has feelings for me. I wouldn’t tell him if I did or not. How can I? What he don’t know won’t hurt him, right? And if he never knows for sure, that’s better. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe Ysabelle did the right thing. I mean, the idea’ve it just… it drives me crazy, makes me want to spit and scream on Kaste’s behalf, but maybe that’s why…

Maybe that’s why things are goin’ right, now. Maybe the reason I don’t get it–or the reason it makes me so mad–is the same reason that Ysabelle’s better for him. I mean, she sure’s hell wouldn’t go runnin’ from him. She don’t gotta worry ’bout usin’ him as part’ve a double life, or some such–he is her life.

I couldn’t give myself like that to no person. Couldn’t. Wouldn’t, too, which is maybe sadder. And people deserve to be loved like that, fully, not love that’s always got a foot out the gods-damned door.

Same with Chrysalis. I asked her if she loved Verrin, and she said yes, though in some different words. She said she hadn’t told him.

Chrysalis is a saint. This is somethin’ that should happen. When I broke Verrin, didn’t it tend to fall to her to pick up the pieces? And what has she got to show for all’ve it? Just standin’ there, bein’ a good Knight, holdin’ her love in even better than maybe I have. That ain’t right. She’s too good. She wants the best for Verrin. I would never, never come ‘tween that, not by choice.

Would never toy with Kaste or Verrin, when I know damn well they each got people that care ’bout them more wholly…

There is a large blot of ink, and then some scratched out words.

I’m broken anyway. But this feels like maybe things will go right. Gods, I hope they do.

The Nature of Hypocrisy

Just got finishd talkin’ with Chrysalis. She… killed Verrin. I had her word that she wouldn’t, but by accident, she did. I was furious for ’bout a second: “How can you accidently kill someone-”, I had been startin’ to rage, but…

Heh.

At the last meetin’ I spoke up for opening the Guards doors to every race of the Horde–for wantin’ people to qualify on what they’d done with the life given to ‘em, not what they were born as. I mean, either way it won’t bother me too much, though I do think that if we open past Sin’dorei, we need to be openin’ to everyone. S’only acceptable.

Ysabelle… well, I think she thinks that I only feel the way I do ’cause’ve Kaste, and that ain’t the reason. The Silverlord said somethin’ similar. Is that what it seems like, then? That I’m under a spell’ve Kaste’s, or somethin’? That we’re in love? Ugh.

We did… go on a date, though. Not a romantic date. A friendly date… with the objective of killin’ a certain Forsaken that had mind-controlled Kaste and sicced him on me like an attack dog. I…

I killed Kaste. It was a stupid accident.

I told Chrysalis that tonight. She’s the first one outside’ve Kaste that knows. She thought I’d condemn her for killin’ Verrin, and all I wanted to let her know that that I had no place judgin’ her. I killed a man I love. She killed Verrin. She broke an oath. I nearly broke myself. She could bring him back. I… I was left stunned, dazed… couldn’t call him back from the Nether on my own.

S’funny, how you think you’ll be upset to hear somethin’, until you realize that you’ve been in a similar spot.

So, I guess it is true. I do love Kaste. He sent me a letter, a while back, sayin’ the same–that he loves me. None’ve this is in the romantic way, though, ‘course. But I’d die for him. I’d die rather than hurt him. I want to see him happy. Bein’ with him makes me feel happy, like I can forget ’bout all’ve the weight that just bein’ in the Guard puts on my shoulders. He doesn’t expect nothin’ of me.

I love him like a brother, I s’pose. I mean, ‘course, I’ve never had any siblings. But like a brother… just a much taller, bluer one. One more time for the record, we ain’t together.

Verrin told me that he still loved me. Even after takin’ time and thinking ’bout he, he said that even knowin’ my darker side, that he loved me all the more. He’s offerin’ me unconditional acceptance, and I guess there’s a part’ve me that wants to run headlong into that and hide there. He asked me if I thought I could ever love him the same.

I… well, I don’t know. I make a point’ve not thinkin’ when I probably should. What I do know, is that right now I don’t want to fall for anyone. I know I’ve tended to talk big ’bout falling in love–that if it happened, it happened, if it didn’t, it didn’t–but now I just wanna avoid it. It’s too messy.