Sea Songs and More

Couple days ago we attacked some of the Dwarf territories. Felt good to be working as a group, seeing everyone fighting at once. Not sure if Aysera was too pleased with it all, but she didn’t say nothing to me about it. I can get why some folks don’t like the fighting; more’n more I get the feeling that even I’m a shade less violent than some of the Guard. Or that I ain’t got the taste for it in the same way.

At the meetin’ after, back in Silvermoon, Sophiel sung us a couple’ve songs. The one that sticks in my head the most was ’bout the sea. I ain’t got any special attraction to the sea, but ain’t it true that all songs ’bout the sea are really ’bout something else anyway? For a sailor lust for the sea is the same as  a greedy person’s lust for money, or the lust of power for those that gotta mind towards it.

What’s my sea then? Some people’re easy to figure out: glory, fame, means. I sure won’t say that none of those ‘ppeal to me, but they ain’t what drives me. So what does? What’s the thing that I could spenda lifetime chasin’ knowing hopelessly that I ain’t ever gonna catch it?

Dunno. Don’t wanna try to find out anytime soon, neither. Questions like that just stir up hurtin’, and what I learned ’bout my past is still too damned fresh in mind. Probably ain’t much difference in running from it than running towards it anyway. I’m no philosopher, but something in me says that those’re just two roads leading to the same clearin’ at the end of the day anyway.

Zaliron got into a bit’ve trouble with the Silverlord, which I’m hoping blows over smooth ’nuff. I know it reflects back on me, and I guess that don’t sit too well with me. I don’t get mad with Zaliron for it, but it makes me angry at myself. I shouldn’t be so ‘fraid of what the rest’ve the Guard will think’ve us. I mean, it’s a poorly kept secret how we’ve been spending our evenings (and afternoons, and some mornings…), and no one’s made a fuss’ve it yet, so why do I feel guilty ’bout it?

Guilty conscience, maybe. And I guess that I can’t help but feel like I’ll be pitied, or some such. I remember full well how Kaste asked if Zaliron had poisoned me, the night of the party. S’funny maybe a few times, but you don’t live s’long as I have, the way I have, by being unobservant. People’ll think that I’m in line for gettin’ a broken heart (or some broken bones, ‘ccording to what Ysabelle said, heh). Act like I’m a poor little thing, like an animal that’s too dumbstruck to know it’s about to get clubbed in the head and served for dinner.

S’hard not to be bitter, ’specially because I don’t think Aysera approves. Least she ain’t treating me like something to be pitied. I confide in her more’n anyone else, and it stings to know that she ain’t happy with it. Can’t out and blame her for it, though.