Meditation?

I’m… I… things-

There are a few attempts at writing, which are heavily scratched out, before something coherent begins.

I’m s’posed to take up… meditating now, as part’ve a type’ve trainin’. I guess that writing what I think or feel wouldn’t hurt that any. Help me… help me get some’ve what’s maybe buzzin’ in my head too loud down unto paper, down in a book where I can shut it when I’m done.

I don’t want to sound like things are worse than ‘fore, ’cause they really ain’t. I think I’m gonna get better, be strong, less runnin’ and more holdin’ ground. Least, that’s what I’m hopin’ for.

Verrin and me’ve decided to become brother’n sister, after a fashion. We understand each other, and we’ve both caused each other a world’ve hurt–maybe it’d be better to cut our losses and not have nothin’ to do with each other any more, but this’d just be one more thing I’d be runnin’ from. Sides, it’s my responsibility to stand with him where I can, after I… after I tore down everything else he had. I can’t abandon him and save myself.

The Silverlord’s taken up trainin’ me, and that’s also part’ve why I’m s’posed to be meditatin’ or whatnot. Want’s to teach me not to run, or somethin’–which is an awful nice thought, but I don’t think there’s no trainin’ you can offer that teaches a person that. They just gotta learn by example, and I figure maybe that’ll work out.  The personal attention by a superior any somethin’ I’m much used to, but the lessons are valuable ’nuff. It’s more responsibility, though, ‘nother person directly lookin’ over me and seein’ that I do go and mess things up.

Few nights ago, at the meetin’, I was promoted to Guardian. The first time I was offered promotion was a while back, when… when I’d first got a glimpse’ve a memory, got a glance at the vicious thing that lives under my skin somewhere. Was also when I’d turned Zaliron away, and felt like everythin’ was too close and that I didn’t have the distance to uphold that new rank. Now… now I’m gonna try, rather than runnin’. I wasn’t definitely ready then, and maybe I ain’t really ready now, but I guess I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.

This is… this is important ’cause’ve what else it meant. I…

I can’t be strong, can’t stop runnin’ if I’ve always got someone to run to. Someone that… that maybe I unfairly built my hopes ’round as bein’ not part’ve the rest’ve my life. And that ain’t fair. It ain’t fair to maybe attach your romantic feelin’s to someone on the grounds that you’re hopin’ you never got to worry ’bout it interferin’ with your ‘real’ life, your life’ve duty.

I think I regret that more’n anything, what I did to Kaste. If I had only… if I had only stopped and thought ’bout it, just taken a damn second to think- I could’ve stopped it from becomin’ what it did. ‘Course, I was convinced that I didn’t have the time, didn’t have the right frame’ve mind, that it wouldn’t have mattered. I wanted a gods-damned place to hide once the Verrin stuff was all taken care’ve, and it wasn’t till afterwards that I realized that that… it ain’t right to love someone just for what they represent, not what they are. I… I know I love Kaste right as a friend, that that’s for who he is, but my romantic feelings were too hung ’round escapism. Was the same gods-damned way with Zaliron, and that ain’t right.

Gonna try to learn from my mistakes though. Ain’t gettin’ romanticly involved with no one no time soon, far as I’m concerned.