Trolls and demons.

Kaste and me’ve been talking recently, and I’m realizin’ that I like him a good deal. He seems like a solid ’nuff friend, doesn’t come ’round with mind games or manipulation. Maybe it’s just ’cause he ain’t an elf. Maybe I’m bitter. I’ll get on with that in a moment, s’pose.

Helped slap some bandages over his ribs, and he seemed almost shocked that I didn’t want no coin for it. S’funny, how people always seem to find it odd when a payment ain’t in silver or gold. A favor is worth more’n a sack of gold, least the way I see it.

Helped him and a few’ve the Guard with some’ve the Trolls in Zul’Furrak today. Got a little bloody towards the end, but otherwise went all right. I’m findin’ that I can joke ’round with Kaste, and that takes some’ve the sting and the shame off’ve the whole love potion mess.

Mostly I’m glad that I had somethin’ to do with my time, ’cause I’m not sure how well I could handle sitting ‘lone with my thoughts lately. ‘Course, find myself here doin’ just that now, heh.

Verrin…

Damn him. He told me he’s got feelings for me, and asked me to kill him–both in the same night. Hell, for him they weren’t even two different messages; one made him want the other. Told me… explained to me… how I couldn’t ever be like him, so I ain’t got anything to worry ’bout there. Because even if I’d maybe enjoy some dark things, I don’t indulge, and that’s what separates us. He seemed sure ’nuff, but to me it’s just ‘nother line drawn in imaginary sand.

He was right though. We know each other. Least, understand each other.

I don’t know why he thinks I’m any better’n any of the rest of the women in the Guard, but askin’ seems like it’s in such bad taste, and I don’t wanna put him through that. But there are women prettier, and smarter. More morally  upstanding, or morally ‘corrupt’. More righteous, if that’s what he’s lookin’ for. More deadly, too.

I hope he don’t think that I can ’save’ him. How can I? I’m not even as desperate or hopeless, but I still feel like even my own stupid problems are more than I can bear.

I should hate him, but I don’t. If I do, it’s because I never want to be like him–much as he tells me I don’t need to worry ’bout that. He said he wants to be a part of my life. I want him to be a part of my life, though maybe held away at arm’s length. I want to see him get better. I want to see him get hold of whatever it is he’s really chasin’, and I want it to do him some good.

I feel so naive, so disgustingly pathetic.

But if Verrin can overcome his demons, then everyone can. Then I can. Then maybe the world’s got some order to it, instead of just slippin’ further and further outta control.

‘Course, the kicker is that part’ve me likes the beauty of chaos, of things fallin’ apart. Somethin’ a little too animal in me wants to laugh in Verrin’s face ’bout all of this. I’m not a good person, I want to say, teeth bared and grinning and already tastin’ blood and heat.

And he’d understand.

Damn him.